People generally think of Old folks homes as places for seniors waiting to die. Not the one in this story. The main character in the home is Paddy the Irishman who is 90years old. He conveniently finds a supply of Viagra just as a new resident enters the home; a French lady who is as ugly as sin, and still works as a prostitute in order to pay the rent. She is 80 years old and dresses like a teenager. She also has high blood pressure, asthma, cataracts, arthritis, hot flashes, toe fungus, and dizzy spells, to name just a few, but it doesn’t stop her from plying her trade. She has false teeth, but she doesn’t wear them to work, much to Paddy’s delight. What unfolds is a comedy of bizarre predicaments as an overdose of Viagra turns Paddy into a sex starved leprechaun who has a heart attack and dies on the job. This creates problems for the undertakers at the funeral because they can’t close the lid of the coffin.

. As a member of the senior community it is my responsibility to introduce the newcomers to the residence. When Madame entered I greeted her by introducing myself and explained to her the conditions for living in harmony with each other. I took her by the arm to meet the other pensioners and stopped first to talk to Dick who was taking a nap. He was very tall and slender at six foot four, which earned him the nickname ‘Big Dick.’ He was a strange looking fellow who had only one eye and he was as bald as a billiard ball. He always wore a turtle neck sweater folded right over his chin. Not wanting to wake him up I explained that as a youth he was a bit of a lover boy but very hard at times to get along with; in his old age, though, he developed prostate problems and now he has become somewhat of a softie. “Who is this handsome man,” she whispered as she spotted Jim? He was an exercise freak in his young days and even as I introduced Madame to him, he was face down on the floor doing push-ups. Madame took advantage of an opportunity to be funny and she quipped, “Nice to meet you Jim, but I notice your girlfriend is gone.” Jim retorted trying to be just as funny. “You can take her place, if you want.” “Maybe later, “she winked at him. Solomon was next; as we approached him he was reading a book about ghosts and phantoms. He worked in a dead end job as a grave digger at the local cemetery. He bragged to Madame, “I had a very important position in life; I spent all my working days with a thousand people under me.” Michael Skin was serenading the female residents in the corner playing his violin softly when we approached him for an introduction. In the past he had three brothers who were also musicians. He mentioned to Madame that in the old days they formed a dance quartet that was called ‘The Four Skins.’ We moved along to meet Jack an old salt who wore bell bottomed trousers like the sailors of old; Jack liked to corner the old ladies to relate his adventures on the high seas. The old ladies would tease him and mockingly put into words, “Jack we have heard all the stories we want to hear about your little Dingy.” As we approached a shadowy corner to meet Gene, he was asleep, but rather than disturb him I explained to Madame that Gene was a Frenchman who worked most of his life as a masseur in a health club. He became very contentious when arthritis developed in his hands; now he tends to rub people the wrong way. Next we got to meet Basil the British bank manager who was filthy rich but preferred to live economically in the home. I’m not sure if he was talking about money when he spoke to Madame, he winked as he said, “And you know, if you keep putting it in and taking it out you are going to lose interest.” To finish off the introductions we spoke to Alec, who was nicknamed ‘The smart one.’ and Matt who was a push over; Matt was treated like a doormat, he let everyone walk all over him.

John Stewart is a retired professional, well known in the welding industry as an expert in weld distortion practices.He still avails himself to consult when his expertise is needed regarding distortion procedures. He authored several books for welders and fabricators but has since retired and now devotes his spare time to writing humorous anecdotes Where to find John Stewart online Website: http://johnstewartbooks.weebly.com/